Toe Curling Personal Product Names

Updated: Nov 23, 2020

Being embarrassed to purchase anything related to our below-navel body parts from a shop is nothing new for men. Yes, I accept that the internet and online shopping have helped me and many of my peers over the last few years for there is no beating a discreetly wrapped package delivered directly into your hands. However, God forbid that one's broadband goes down for any length of time. In the event of the unimaginable happening we may have to go and ask for stuff at a counter in a shop, face to face with yes, an assistant, and worst of all it could be a female assistant. Let us be honest fellas, we the male of the species have been curling up our toes for many, many years, forced only by testosterone-driven desperation and base animal instinct into purchasing our own condoms never mind anything else. I accept it may be a generational thing but one has to accept that a lot of blokes still struggle to ask for certain stuff in shops, and that’s a fact. So given the aforementioned state of play, why oh why do the product marketing and advertising agency teams of manufacturers exacerbate the situation by coming up with such embarrassing product names?

Oh to be a fly-on-the-wall at a brand meeting at the XYZ Advertising Agency. One can only imagine what goes on. The camera zooms in on Brand X Team leader, Zach: “So, team," he exudes and then full of exuberance and vigour asks the collective. "Tell me, what words jump out at you when we think of new and innovative hemorrhoid cream?" and then smiling to his P.A. "Chardonnay darling if you can listen out and get some ideas down on the whiteboard. C’mon, guys hit me with some cool words. Remember, no idea’s a bad idea!” Enthusiastic shouts from all areas of the room: “Anus…Grapes...Shrink…Itch…Scratch, Vavoom, Vanish, Happy, Smooth, etc!” Five hours, many executive bagels, and numerous "idea showers" later they have a name, hu-bloody-rrah. However on close examination having seen the new product monika, one feels as though one could have done a much better job in a fraction of the time at a fraction of the cost with little or no "Awkwardness Factor" attached.

Simply put, as we men get older we know that only too soon one will be standing in a queue of women (yes it is always predominately women) in the chemist waiting to be served by a young lady, (because it is invariably a lady) in order to ask for an “over-the-counter” suppository to shove up one's bottom, and that in itself is bad enough. However, when she asks “Which Brand?” and one is forced to state “GrapeeArseholeGel” or another similarly-named product, it really is a bridge too far; and if if things weren't bad enough, the rules regarding social distancing relative to the Coronavirus pandemic now mean we have to shout it from a distance of at least 2 meters whilst wearing a bloody mask! 

All power to you girls, I know you ladies have no such problem with this kind of stuff; asking for a 280gm tube of Thrush-B-Gone or ItchyVajSalve holds no horrors for the fairer sex and for that, we men salute you. However, from the male of the species to YOU advertising and marketing types, please accept a slightly similar but infinitely less courteous one-fingered salute.

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