Your horoscope
with Timothy Eggcorn-Tempest
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Work

November promises to be a good month for you Mr Aquarius however, recognise that you are political correctness gone mad. Dressing to the left doesn't make you a bad Conservative MP. Stop using starch in your underpants. Your Hula Hoop classes change from Wednesdays to Fridays as from the 12th.

Work

With the moon retrograde towards the middle of the month the portents are good for any Taureans suffering from Halitosis or a serious fungal skin complaint. Palpitations may be encountered by the faint-hearted folk with excess freckles. Eat more bananas, your Potasium count is through the floor.

Work

November will be a strange month for Pisceans so I suggest you call it May. Wednesday's are to be avoided at all costs, do not go to work on said days. Put the time to better use by trying to finish your Carmen Miranda meets Ho Chi Min comedy piece.

The window box idea was OK to start with, but growing cabbages on the 27th floor of a council flat was a tad ambitious.

Work

Try to shake off what happened when taking your first confessional at St Peters. As a novice priest nerves will occasionally get the better of you. Better you passed wind in the confessional box with blind, 95 year old Shelagh O'Donanolly than somebody knowing who you really are. Say 50 Hail Marys for pretending to be your predecessor. 

Work

This is not the month to challenge authority or go into the office wearing only a hat and a monocle, everybody knows your eyesight is perfect.

If you have an issue with a senior colleague, surreptitiously scratch his or her car and blame a colleague.​ 

The chance to wear welding goggles will present itself at the end of November.

Work

Your OCD is getting out of hand and affecting your work despite your extra 2 days counselling with Mrs Agarwal. The excuse of, "having difficulty separating the white stripe from the red and blue ones in my toothpaste" is wearing a bit thin as an excuse for being late. Continunally sending letters to the council in order to get them to change the sequence of traffic-light colours has to stop..

Love

Try joining a dating agency again but this time using a Pseudonym and wearing a big hat, it is your only chance. Make sure your fly is done up on this occasion. 

In a leather-bound notebook write several poems all beginning with "Thou" and include the word "mellow" at least once per poem. Mention Stoke Poges regularly in female company.

Love

It wasn't your fault Beryl melted from being too close to the lounge radiator. Start going to bars beginning with the letter J and remember, a PVC affair is fleeting with the potential to harm our environment. Real girls can be forever and less of a pollutant though arguably far more expensive I grant you. Nonetheless now IS the time take a chance on human love.

Love

There is nothing wrong with masturbation in the privacy of your own home or some other consenting adult's house, flat or cave. However, the 22nd of November could see you taking things too far. Remember what happened to Uncle David during the blitz in the air raid shelter off Warren Street in 1942?

Enough said.

Love

Your suspicions are aroused during the third week of November when you find you wife naked in bed with your best friends Eric, Dennis, Brad, Peter and a petite ginger haired, tattooed Welsh lady called Gwyneth from Cwm. It is important to stay cool as this is probably just a fad. Stay away from Lucky Heather because she is anything but.

Love

If you are married then fill you boots for this is the month for romance especially if your name is Geoff. Pay absolutely no attention to your neighbours complaining of you having "doggy" sex on their lawn with your lady in the afternoon even if it does interrupt their game of croquet.

Love

Spend less time watching reruns of Thunderbirds, Stingray and Fireball XL5 and more time with your loved one doing things in a less strange way. All that string in the bedroom is only going to end one way; and as for Muffin the Mule. . . forget it!

Money

You have been seriously stressed since you discovered there was no cure for that nervous tick. Treat yourself, sell those white fivers and buy a large kite and move to Tooting Common.

That Tin without a label that you bought from Bogarts the Ironmongers, doesn't do what it doesn't say. Demand a refund.

Money

Filing the corners off fifty pence pieces is a fools errand which you should have realised during your threepenny bit period in the 1960's. Ask for your wages to be paid directly into your bank.

Also, you had only been living next door to Alice for 23 years and 3 months when the song went to number one, so I suggest you drop the copywrite suit against Smokey and get on with life.

Money

You will find a fifty pound note on a bus ride to Wigan and then misplace it a short time later that same day on the train journey to Manchester. Wearing clothes rather than travelling naked on public transport should help you in your quest to keep your money safe. Alternatively and in order to keep the peace with your local naturist group, buy a money belt.

Money

Housing prices in the Ronda have plummeted over the last few years so probably a good idea if you try and make the marriage work, especially as you were both made redundant last month. Learn all the words to "There will be a welcome in the hillside" and think twice before ditching those old Green Shield Stamps.

Money

Plastic surgery is cheap and you are ugly so get a double Botox and Facelift deal this month and stop looking like a pig with piles and tooth ache, your friends and their kids would like to sleep at night.  The Lord giveth and taketh; just look at the money you have saved on Halloween masks over the years.

Money

Continuing the theme. It is about time you stopped the strange relationship with Aqua Marina, Troy Tempest and your Lady Penelope Puppets. It is just plain weird. Sell the lot and use the considerable proceeds to go away on a long exotic holiday. Ignore Parker and that nose of his and sell the bloody Rolls to your mate Adrian, he likes the colour pink.

Lucky number

110

Lucky vegetable. Cabbage

Lucky word.

Meniscus

Lucky body part

The humerus

Lucky sex symbol

Vernonica Lake.

Lucky animal

Red squirrel

Lucky occupation

Accountancy

Lucky fruits

Orange and Lemons

Lucky element.

Scandium

Lucky inventor

Guglielmo Marconi

Lucky insect

Worker ant

Lucky word.

Moist

Lucky interior

The blue room Kensington Palace.

Lucky country

Kazakhstan

Lucky breathing aid

Salbutamol Inhaler

Lucky nursery rhyme

Goosey goosey gander

Lucky right-wing terrorist organisation 

ETA

Lucky capital city

Geneva

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Work

Your inexcusable behaviour during the company bonfire night party with Derek Prund from accounts, a tub of Swarfega and Jill from The Basildon 'Guido Faulkes was-innocent-Society, invariably leads to disciplinary action during early November. Don't, whatever you do talk badly of James 1st to Damien Gristle your local Union Rep and certainly don't stare at his frilly white shirt cuffs.

Work

The first week in November is a strange one for those Scorpios amongst us in that you inextricably start talking in a Wolverhampton accent but only between the hours of 09:00 and Noon. You need not worry as it will soon pass. Get rid of any Slade, ELO and Wizard LPs or tapes you may have at home and try avoiding using the word YAM.

Work

Great news regarding this month You won't be going to the MDs Birthday party this year. Placing your penis in your boss's tonic water and asking "How's that for a Cocktail?" at last years party certainly put paid to any future invitations. Keep up with the AA meetings. Remember the addage, "Keep our friends close and your enem. . . .. " Sorry, I forgot you have no friends.

Work

This is a good time to look for another job especially as there are strong rumours you are to be sacked. Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither. Invest good money in a top of the range, human-hair toupee and change your name to Wilf by deed pole. Buy a Whippet.

Work

Putting your hand down the front of your boss Alan's trousers and nibbling his ear lobe whilst in the lift between floors 3 and 17 on Wednesday 17th does not mean you are necessarily homosexual but your other 5 colleagues in the lift with you may start questioning your state of mind. Buy a mixed assortment of Muffins and share them around. Laugh a lot.

Work

November the 22nd brings an unexpected offer of work in the film sector as a stunt double for for Barrie Humphries as Dame Edna Everage in the remake of Zulu, due to start filming in July 2021. Be sure to have your shots and take much insect repellent as Morcambe Bay in summer is hell. Think of a tongue twister including the words 'Cockles and Whelks.'

Love

Romance is very definitely in the air after you are taken in by the glamour and glitz of online poker and develop carpal tunnel syndrome. No matter how far away you live from Newcastle Royal Victoria hospital be sure to have you hand treated there by Doctor Susan Slurp and watch Cupid's arrow fly!

Love

Sadness abounds when you lose your love of the last two years Sharon, when you push her from your 12th floor balcony after discovering she inadvertently opened the mail from your. psychoanalyst. Do not fret, just double up on the tablets especially those blue and yellow ones. Go and see the council to try and get an exchange for a ground floor flat.

Love

Despite the love of your life Desiree leaving you in March to take up life in Iceland as a Viking Long Boat Creosote Ladler, your lust for life and love shows know sign of waning. Attending the annual Morris Dancing get-together in Sharrow-under-Wang on November the 15th will bring romance back into your life. 

Love

Sharing the experience of isolation may prove tricky with a loved one in particular. Try to refine your Karma Sutra intercourse positions to avoid further hospital appointments, and stop taking the book so literally. It is important you return the Elephant to the zoo and take off that Turban and pointy slippers, you look ridiculous!

Love

You contract a very aggressive form of Chlamydia which brings you to your knees screaming in agony in the public toilets at Kings Cross Station on platform number 8. The Goddess Aphrodite is looking down on you when the girl in the next seat to you on the train later than afternoon asks why you have a tear in your eye.

Love

If you are celebrating your golden wedding anniversary this month then it is your fault. You should not be so reliant on other people for you happiness or misery. Take regular Paracetamol every two hours alternating with Ibuprofen until the feelings subside. Buy a blue Budgerigar and call it Boris. Teach it to say, "Educated just not very bright."

Money

Having found out that you have won £21,000,000 on the European Lotto only to discover the half burned ticket rolled up and covered in coke next to your drug addled son and his lady, you beat him to death with the severed arm of his girlfriend Claire.

Money

Those Scorpios owning confectionary stores should be on their guard during this difficult month as they are likely to be burgled by Gerry (knocker) Binks from Penge. The infamous one legged, one eyed mastermind behind the "Too many milk bottles in a packet of Haribos  StarMix" Scam in 2012 is believed to be active at the moment..

Money

You have extreme difficulty with reality especially with regard to money. You are in complete denial and have to find help to convince you that you cannot Patent the fact that you have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower and that blowing the same smoke up somebody's backside can be a money making profession!

Money

A Jehovah Witness named Alan leaves £10,000 in used notes in a  unmarked cardboard box on  your front-door step with a note attached showing the words "I know you would do the same for me Derek!" Take the box inside quickly and ensure you keep the money without telling your neighbour Derek.

Money

You will be made redundant from your current job later this month. However on a positive note, using the money you got from being laid off you buy a shop on Kiltangooley Road, Stockport, complete confusing the locals by calling it "Just Anything." 

Money

You make a killing on the 18th of the month when attending a book fair in Birmingham you discover purely by chance the missing first edition publication of Josef Stalin's, "How to win friends and influence people in hardback" Having bought it for £2.50 you then sell it at Sotheby's for £2.5m. Happy days. . . Mine's a large Scotch.

Lucky beach

Fistral, Newquay.

Lucky flower

Crocus

Lucky confectionary bar.

Cadbury Whole Nut

Lucky Sea

Dead

Lucky cloud formation 

Cumulus

Lucky knot

Round turn and two half hitches

Lucky orchid

Phalaenopsis

Lucky sandwich

Cheese and Pickle

Lucky solar system

Andromeda

Lucky TV Cop

Kojak 

Lucky butterfly

Cabbage White

Lucky Cheese

Casu Marzu

Lucky dictator

Mussollinni 

Lucky building

The Chard

Lucky word.

Ubiquitous

Lucky emoji

🕵️‍♂️

Lucky pop star

Rufus Wainwright III

Lucky golf club

3 Wood